Tag: Reflection

The Man Who Brought A Tire Into the Library

Published on by jkblog2013Leave a comment

Lately, I’ve been going to my local library to check out books that pertain to the subject of metaphysics. Most of the books I have been reading are on the introduction of metaphysics or guidance on meditation. I recently had to return a book when I started a conversation with a former colleague. I was a librarian for 18 years and changed profession a few years ago. In this particular afternoon, I was asked if I miss working at the library. I was honest and said “Yes, at times.” I then shared an story about a patron who brought in a tire into the library.

I always found working in a public library to be interesting. There was never a dull day at the library because the staff and I would encounter all walks of life. It’s a public setting and everyone is welcome. When I became a manager, I had to be at the forefront whenever there were issues. I could be dealing with an issue regarding fines on a late item or items or worse, a problem patron.

I have many stories on problem patrons. However, the one that stuck out to me that afternoon involved a regular patron. This patron decided to bring a used tire into the library. I’ll call him Mr. Patron for this story.

I was in my office when I got a call about Mr. Patron. He was sitting at the computer desk and had a car tire laying next to him. This part of the library had a narrow hallway and his tire was blocking access to the other computer desks. I remember feeling puzzled. Why was he allowed in with that tire? I learned, as a manager, some staff members do not want to confront a patron. They would rather have the manager deal with it. To be fair, the staff member who called me, was very proactive but needed my assistance to de-escalate the situation. That staff member had just started her rotation at the desk. The previous staff member overlooked the situation.

When I arrived, I was shocked to see a pretty big tire laying on the ground while Mr. Patron was on the computer. The staff member who called me tried to get him to take the tire outside. Mr. Patron did not want to move the tire. I asked to speak to Mr. Patron privately and he immediately got defensive. He stated that he needed that tire because he and his friends at the shelter were buying a van. They thought it would be great to keep this tire as a spare for their future purchase. I listened to Mr. Patron until he was calm. Then I explained to him the rules of behavior for patrons in the library. I specifically referred to items that could interfere with access for other patrons.

To give some background on Mr. Patron, he was a regular at the library. Sometimes we had to ask him to leave for multiple reasons. He was someone who could either be receptive to being asked to leave or he would get very angry. I knew that I could not laugh or say anything that would be disrespectful to Mr. Patron. I knew that I had de-escalate the situation and I did not want to rush to call the police. I knew that if I spoke to him in a calm manner and listened, we could come to a resolution.

I was glad he wasn’t combative that day. To my surprise, he did seem receptive to moving the tire outside of the library. We had a lobby area. I suggested that he move it there. This way, he could see it from where he was sitting. He was afraid someone might steal it. I did not think the tire would be stolen. However, I was concerned that someone would report the tire to the maintenance crew for removal. I made sure to let my co-workers know that we were going to let Mr. Patron leave his tire there until he was done with his computer time. He sat at his computer for about 20 minutes and left the library. He took his tire and we did not see him the rest of the day.

Mr. Patron did try to come back the next couple of days with his tire. Again, I told him that we could not have him bring the tire inside. He was not happy about it but those were the rules. Eventually, he came back to the library by himself with no tire.

I looked back at that moment. I realized how much that tire meant to him. I did not invalidate his claim or logic. That is his truth and I respected it. I could have dismissed him without reasoning. However, I felt he needed someone to understand. I also knew that we had to come to a resolution.

Why am I writing about this?

For a week I thought about why I mentioned this story that afternoon. I was wondering, why is this running in my head, how does this relate to my last three posts?

I am starting to come to the realization on which direction I want to go on my spiritual journey. I am fascinated by spiritual gifts that people receive either through a near death experience or through another channel. I find that when someone tells me their story, I listen and I sincerely believe in everything they tell me. I want them to understand that they are not alone. If my purpose is to bring that information out, then that is what I would like to do. I want to help anyone who has the same experience but has no one to talk to. To bring those stories out and to create a community that helps with learning more about these gifts.

I will share more as I embark on this project. I hope to share this with anyone that reads my blog posts.

Routine Fly Ball

Published on by jkblog2013Leave a comment

A routine fly ball in a baseball game is one reason for my spiritual awakening. Not exactly the path that you normally hear about. A single baseball opened my eyes to something bigger.

As a child, I found sports to be a chore. Every fall and spring, my mother would sign up my brothers and I to play soccer. My older brother was very talented and would score goals. He was celebrated for carrying his team. My younger brother emulated him and he too scored goals. Me? I wasn’t scoring goals. The pressure to score was too much. I didn’t like it, so I pivoted to basketball and track & field.

Basketball and track & field boosted my confidence. Although I struggled with basketball, making a basket always felt good. Track & field is where I found my stride. I realized that I had quick reaction and a burst of speed. I enjoyed track meets as I felt like I could beat anyone.

My confidence grew with track & field so much so that I decided to give soccer another shot. I played better as a defender and my reaction was much quicker. I started to play other sports realizing that I could use my speed to my advantage. For the most part it worked but at times but would get frustrated in learning the fundamentals of each sport. Speed is only one aspect of each sport.

I’m not going to rehash everything about my sports career. However, I will say that when I was sprinting, there were times where I felt I was flying. It is hard to describe. My feet would touch the ground slightly for a gentle push. It almost felt like I was weightless during that movement. At times I would feel this and it felt like things would oddly slow down. I loved that feeling but if I happened to trip up, the fall would be long and painful.

Compressed with JPEG Optimizer 3.01, http://www.xat.com

The Animatrix’s World Record

Many people are aware of the movie, The Matrix. Before the sequel’s release, an animated movie titled the Animatrix came out. It had a series of animated shorts that provided some background to the story behind the Matrix. One of my favorite episodes of the Animatrix is World Record. I bring this up to give context on my baseball story. This episode always resonated with me and I always attributed it to running track & field.

In this story, the main character is trying to break the world record in the 100 meters. There is suspicion of cheating. He wants to prove to the world that he can break the record without doping. There is some discussion about the main character not running in the race. In the end, he decides to compete.

In the race, he starts off well but his leg muscles begins to tear as he’s running. Determined, he pushes through and continues the race. As he’s in the lead, he again deals with issues with his legs. However, he continues running. He runs to the point where he gets out of the Matrix. He wakes up in his pod and then he ends up back in his mind, running the race. Right before he crosses the finish line, the agents attempt to stop him from breaking the record. He wins the race breaking the world record but is clearly injured once he clears the finish line.

In the end, he’s in a wheelchair being pushed by a nurse. The agent who chased him, confirms that he will never walk again and that his memory has been wiped. At some point, the main character says, “Free” and starts to get up. The agent then says to get back down and the main character defies everything that the agent has said.

The Fly Ball – The Moment Everything Changed

I decided to start playing baseball at age 40. I love baseball. Even though I played softball in my 20s and 30s, I always felt empty for not attempting to play baseball. I signed up in a men’s recreational league and figured, why not take a chance now?

I felt like a kid again, but not in an exciting way. This feeling was similar to when I first started playing soccer. I was nervous to say the least. I always felt confident hitting the ball but playing in the field, I was lost. I tried to play right field. Right field is the area where the weakest defenders go to play. However, the manager wanted me in left field or center field. If the ball was in the air, mentally I would be freaking out about making the catch. If the ball was hit into the outfield and it was out of reach, I reacted with no hesitation. I would retrieve the ball and throw it back to the infielder. In other words, if the ball was not catchable, I felt relief.

Many times, I would either give up trying to catch the ball if it was in front of me. If the ball was coming in my direction, I would hesitate to attempt to catch it because I would be in my head thinking about avoiding making a mistake. If I did make an attempt, the ball would drop out of my glove when making the catch. It’s weird. I felt the pressure of catching a fly ball. It was made worse when I can see my teammates looking to see if I made the catch. If I did make a catch, I would feel great. My confidence would rise. But in baseball, everything is unpredictable. I always knew that the routine fly ball, would always give me trouble!

Everything changed in one game. I was in center field and I remember our pitcher was in a jam. There were no outs and he walked the first two hitters. The next batter hit a ball with a loud crack of the bat. It louder than normal and I failed to pick up on this. The ball was going far. I backed up and backed up. I misplayed the ball and fell down in the process. I remember the ball landing not very far from where I fell. I knew I was close but should have been further back to make the catch. The ball was catchable but I misplayed it badly and was embarrassed. I also could tell that the pitcher wanted the out and I felt worse.

The hitter ended up with a triple on that play. The next batter hit a line drive and ended up at first base with an RBI single. At that point, I was upset because I felt like I just allowed 3 runs on my mistake. So I told myself that I’m going to catch the next ball that comes my way. What came next was unbelievable.

I got in this weird space in my head. I was upset but also focused to make up for my bad defense. The next batter got into the box. I sensed someone was telling me to run to right field for the next play. The hitter was on the right side of the plate. Normally, when a hitter is on that side, as a center fielder you line up closer to left field. They tend to pull the ball. I played it the opposite as if someone was guiding me.

As soon as the pitcher threw the ball, it was like someone had told me to “GO!”. I immediately took off, the batter hit the ball to right field. I immediately saw the ball and thought it was out of reach. I took a sigh of relief. Then, I ran after the ball expecting to pick it up from the ground. The weird thing about this experience was that I ran at full speed and pivoted to run towards the outfield wall. After changing direction, everything began to slow down. I didn’t have any thoughts in my head.

I saw the ball from the corner of my eye. From the moment I pivoted, I was now chasing the ball. As I was running, the ball was getting closer and closer to me. It was as if the ball was floating in the air slowly waiting for me to catch it. I put my glove up and reached up to catch the ball. The ball landed in my glove and I stopped. Everything felt surreal. I couldn’t believe I caught the ball! I stared at my glove for a split second when the right fielder, immediately yelled, “GREAT CATCH!”. I was stunned just as he was. The runner on 1st base was running towards home plate not realizing that I made the catch. My second baseman also was stunned and didn’t realize I made the catch. I threw the ball back to him. He didn’t know what to do. Everyone on the field yelled at him to throw the ball to 1st base. He even said, “He caught the ball???”

I then realized everyone on the field saw something crazy. The batter was awestruck. The runner couldn’t believe it, the opposing team couldn’t believe it and my team was ecstatic! The second baseman threw to first base and got the double play. Everyone was like, “Great catch!” I was stunned and was like, what just happened??? Who told me to go? How did I know the ball would go into an area? Even the runner who was on 1st base didn’t bother to run back to 1st as he was rounding third base. He was so sure it was a hit, he didn’t hesitate to try to score, he just ran home.

Below is a diagram of the play.

Here is my hand-made diagram of the play. The red line is the path of the baseball. The blue line is how I ran towards the ball. I ran to right field and then made a mental sigh of relief when I thought the ball was not within reach so I pivoted to catch the ball. FYI – THIS IS NOT THE ROUTE YOU TAKE TO CATCH A BALL LIKE THIS!
I ran right after the pitch was thrown. I reacted once the ball was in the air.

I wished there was a way to see the replay. I wanted to see if it was just a regular play in my head or was it something more. I realized it was something more. The manager even told me, “Wow, you got on your horse for that one!” Everyone high-fived me when the half inning was over. I knew this would be a play for maybe a major leaguer. A very well-seasoned center fielder could make that catch if they knew the hitter would go opposite field but I ran as soon as the pitch was thrown.

Who does that?

That memory stayed with me. I didn’t react to the ball. I was told which way to go before the pitcher threw his pitch. I could have made a bad decision if that ball would have gone to left field or even center. I was stunned that the ball just hung up there and that I felt this weightless feeling again.

What was that?

Four years later, I now realize spirit was with me and helped me. It was like the movie Angels in the Outfield. I got an assist, maybe they even carried me to the ball or they purposely hung the ball up in the air.

I don’t know.

Maybe I somehow had the ability of an ascended master for a few seconds where anything is possible. I know something special happened and there were witnesses to see it. Did I become a great fielder because of this?

Nope.

I still dropped fly balls and had misplays on the field. I didn’t unlock a new skill. I understand that I saw something more. It is similar to the World Record episode of the Animatrix. I don’t have answer to it and I am not looking to solve it.

Even after the “Hand of God” catch, the manager benched me for the next inning. Everyone on my team laughed because they saw an amazing catch that was not rewarded. Honestly, I laughed it off. It didn’t matter. I felt something amazing. It was something I couldn’t really describe in the moment but it was amazing. Super human is the word that comes to mind.

I like to look back at this moment for my personal evidence that there is more to this world than we will possibly ever know. I also acknowledge it because the evidence is never where you expect it to be and this baseball game was it for me.

Where You Are, Is Exactly Where You Need To Be

Published on by jkblog2013Leave a comment

After my last post, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I posted something to my site that was overdue. It really meant a lot to me. As the days went on, I then felt this odd sense of writers block. How do I follow up from the last post? Will it be as interesting?

In the past, I would have these conversations in my head. They would lead me to start writing to only end up not producing anything. It is a frustrating part of anything artistic. You feel a sense of accomplishment. Then you struggle to just put something, anything together, as you become your own worst critic.

Divine Timing and Manifestation

Before writing this post, I was drawn to the sentence of the post’s title. I’ve seen this sentence in many texts lately and have heard these exact words in other mediums. I equate this title to divine timing. I’m now doing research into divine timing as it gives me a better understanding of manifestation and synchronicity. Divine timing is the belief that everything in your life occurs at exactly the right moment.

Manifestation is the idea that, through the power of belief, we can effectively “think” a goal into reality. Sounds easy right? But it is much more complicated than that. I remember watching a video where someone equated manifestation as placing an order with the universe. After placing your order, you wait for it to arrive. The analogy used was that of ordering food in a restaurant. The waiter (Universe) takes the order, gives it to the cook, and the cook prepares the meal. Once it is ready, you get your meal, aka manifestation. I know that things manifest when you’re ready. The universe must also be ready for you to receive it.

Divine timing encourages trust. The universe is guiding you towards what’s best for you. This trust remains even when you face challenges or delays. So sometimes, your order may take awhile. You have to be okay with waiting for it. It will come when it’s ready.

Before I had my spiritual awakening, I had moments where things would happen when I internally asked for it. It was like a wish coming true moment. Not that it happened immediately, but it would eventually come to me. I never understood those moments until now. I would like to share a moment I had back in 2010 that happened very quickly.

Washington D.C. – 2009

I moved to the Washington D.C. in late 2009. It was meant to be a great move for my career. It also allowed me to be closer to my family. Instead, it was a depressing time of my life. I didn’t want to dwell on it during this transition. I had moved from a Houston, Texas. Houston is very hot but during the winter months, the weather was very comfortable. I spent five years enjoying the warm winters and it was an abrupt change when I moved to D.C. It was cold and I was living in a dark, no frills apartment. Moving from a single-family home to an apartment was arduous. When I finally settled in, I found no excitement in being in that apartment. I felt stuck and found reasons to not be at “home”. This was also a time when the real estate market collapsed. I could not find a buyer for my house in Houston. I was stuck with rent and a mortgage. My budget was lean to say the least. Even during this lean time, I would find ways to spend time outside of my apartment. It was too depressing to be in.

The Capitol Building.

I think about it now and laugh in my head about how sad it was. I figured things would get better once my house was sold. I started to have feelings of regret for moving to D.C. but I wasn’t allowing it to take over my emotions. In my head, I was giving myself at least a year. I wanted to get situated before deciding to possibly move again.

The highlight at the end of 2009 was having Thanksgiving with my family in New York. It was the first Thanksgiving with my family in six years. It felt great driving up. I remember a feeling of euphoria as I drove through very little traffic to get to my parents’ house. It was a memorable Thanksgiving and I was grateful to be back in New York. Then on that Sunday after Thanksgiving, I decided to drive back and encountered the worst drive back to D.C. ever. I learned that was the worst time to drive anywhere.

I got back “home” and got back to work at my new job. There was a snowstorm in December that was cool and I remember enjoying it. But then came more snowstorms. In February 2010, Snowmaggedon hit D.C.

Snowmaggedon

During those two weeks of Snowmaggedon, I remember working just three days. I was not happy to be in my apartment. I was in solitude with no cable, just basic tv. Internet was different then. I couldn’t stream shows or binge watch TV series. My apartment wasn’t very well insulated so the heat could only heat so much.

An actual photo from the cleanup from Snowmaggedon 2010.

After each passing snow storm, I would spend hours digging my car out from all the snow. I made sure to dig out the car when the snow was soft as it would harden the next day. I also did not want to break my shovel. I had cleared out my car multiple times. I went out with my shovel when the snow storm stopped. I also went out when it would lighten up. It was crazy how much snow we had that winter. I would even go out at night because I wasn’t sleeping well.

This is not my car but eerily similar to it. This picture was taken in Washington D.C. during Snowmaggedon, Feb. 2010.

I was also so bored that I cleared out the sidewalk to the building. This allowed my neighbors to walk into the building without slipping. They do not have to step into thick snow.

I remember feeling alone. I didn’t have any friends in the area. I only just started to meet my co-workers. I also didn’t want my family to worry about me, so I just gave canned responses that all was well.

I spent many hours digging my car out. One day, I cleared out so much snow to avoid getting more snow plowed into my car. I lived on a busy street. The plows came at all times during the day and night to clear the road. I was confident that the overnight plows would not dump any snow on my car. I woke up the next day and saw that more snow and ice were packed against my car. I remember my neighbor feeling bad for me. She was like, “That’s messed up! You cleared out so much yesterday.”

I was livid but gave a calm response. I set out to do more work with my shovel. This time, I really had to work harder to dig out my car. The ice was very thick and needed to be chopped. Then it could be dumped onto the sidewalk or grass. It would have been too heavy to shovel right away and would have broken my shovel.

I then found that my car had a flat tire. How am I going to get this fixed???

I didn’t know what to do and I had no idea how I would get this tire fixed. I knew I couldn’t drive it anywhere. It was already cold and I had never really changed a tire before. I had no clue what to do next. Do I pay to get it towed? Would anyone come out today?

Divine Timing?

Before Snowmaggedon, I did take a short trip to NY in January to attend my friend’s funeral. I had plans to see him at some point in the Spring or Summer. I think we had plans to play basketball. He would mention working out in his Facebook posts, to get back into shape for the summer. I thought of him while shoveling and remembered thinking of the silver lining of shoveling being the equivalent of working out.

As I stood by the flat tire, I decided that I should shovel. I thought that maybe I could gather my thoughts to come up with a plan. I am chopping, digging, and throwing. In that process, I started to think, wouldn’t it be cool if my tire got fixed without moving it. I thought of it a couple of times and sighed sarcastically, “Yeah okay.”

At some point, I see a vehicle repair truck park on the other side of the road. It is not too far from where I am standing. I continue to dig but a sudden thought came to me. “Go and see if they can fix your tire.” I remember hesitating and then decided to dig some more. I saw that the mechanic was repairing a stalled vehicle on the opposite side of the road. It was unusual to see a car parked on that side as there was a no strict parking law on that side of the street.

The vehicle must have stalled and not been able to restart. As a result the driver abandoned the car. I kept getting the thought, “Go and see if they can fix your tire.” For some reason I felt embarrassed for wanting to ask but I finally did. I approached the mechanic and asked him if he was able to fix my flat tire. I told him that I would pay him. I don’t think I had cash but I just wanted to see if he would be available to come over. I explained to him my situation but he didn’t really want to hear me out.

The mechanic seemed stressed out by numerous calls that he needed to tend to. He refused to help anyone else unless they had made some sort of formal request. I was sympathetic to his reluctance. I tried to be understanding but thought this may be my only opportunity to get this fixed. He said no. I was polite and said, that’s fine and walked back to my car.

I went back to shoveling ice. The mechanic probably spent an hour fixing the car when I saw him packing up. I don’t remember if I made eye contact with him. He got into his truck and made a U-turn. Right after his U-turn, he parked right by my car. I stood there shocked.

After my experience, this is exactly how I viewed the tow truck driver and the tow truck. A Tow Truck from the Heavens!

I didn’t think he was going to come over but sure enough he did, he inflated the tire for free. I tried to pay him but he wouldn’t take any money. He said the tire would be fine but that I should get it checked out if the pressure gets low. I was so happy and grateful for him coming out of his way to assist me. It was humbling as I thought the mechanic did not care, but he did!

I remember looking at the sky and I thought of my friend. I saw the sun peering through the clouds and the sunlight just felt different. There was a sense of warmth despite it being so cold outside. I felt it. I also thanked my friend as I knew that he was there with the assistance. Although my spiritual awakening did not start for another couple of years, it was moment that I never forgot. I almost immediately attributed it to my friend being an angel despite being anti-religion.

I remember getting through that stormy period of my life. Eventually it stopped snowing, temperatures warmed up and the last mound of snow finally melted away in late April. That was memorable! My house finally sold and I was able to pay off a lot of my debt. Things got better and I started to settle into DC.

Now, as I embark on my spiritual journey, I reflect on this time. I think about how dark and cold it was. I realize it was temporary but it did provide me with a valuable lesson. Although times were rough, you must go through your rough patches in life because they shape you. You will always have your supporters with you. I had my supporter and he came through when I least expected it.

I now move forward in learning more about divine timing. I have to be patient and understand that sometimes, you’re just where you need to be in that moment.

An SOS – Seeking Guidance on Spiritual Growth

Published on by jkblog2013Leave a comment

I’ve come to terms that God/Source/Spirit is with me. It is not easy for me to write this. I’ve held the idea of God at the back of my mind. It was locked away and never to be discussed. I’ve always thought of myself as an atheist. All of that changed a year ago. Since that time, I have changed my views with spirituality. I have neglected my website and it has been a year since I posted anything. I actually started to write this draft about a year ago. I thought I was ready to write about my spiritual awakening but I never got past four sentences. A year later, I realize I am ready to be honest about my introduction my spiritual journey. Because I am still at the beginning of my journey, I hope whoever reads this can offer clarity and guidance.

Near Death Experience (NDE)Videos

Believe it or not but YouTube was how my spiritual awakening unraveled. My wife was getting into her spiritual journey at the beginning of 2023. I would support her but I had no intentions to join her. I was very reluctant to watch some of the videos on topics regarding spirituality. She would share with me what she learned and how she wanted me to watch them with her as well. I initially watched these with a very low level of interest. She finally got me to watch interviews of those who experienced Near Death Experiences (NDEs). When I finally gave in and started watching some of the videos, the interviewees described journeys to places beyond Earth. They would all say that those places felt more “real” than life on Earth. More “real” than Earth? How is that possible?

Some interviewees talked about popping out of their bodies and seeing their physical body. They described seeing people around them during the near death experience. They could hear the thoughts of everyone around them. I thought, “Wow, how cool would it be to hear people’s thoughts and to fly around!” Then they would talk about transporting to another place. Either by a tunnel or by some sort of portal or white light. Of course, I was very skeptical at this time. I wasn’t really taking any of this seriously. However, I was curious. That’s what would drive me to watch the entire video. I also requested that my wife only show me videos that were no more than 15 minutes long. I did not want to watch long drawn out videos. I feared these videos were trying convince me to join a church or to lure me into joining a weird group. I also had the expectation of seeing some religious text. No thanks!

During these interviews, people would talk about their journey to a new plane of existence. Some would call it heaven, others just called it a connection to spirit or “home”. I would watch their stories. Some commonalities were that they experienced a “Life Review.” They would watch and re-live an experience from their past. They would experience perspectives from everyone involved. For example, if they hurt someone, they would feel the pain that they gave to the other person. Or if they gave money to someone in need, they would feel the other person’s relief. They would also feel the joy it gave them. For the most part, they re-lived the hurt they gave someone. And that was for a reason, for them to understand that they need to change how they interact with others. In these moments of the videos, I honestly thought about my life review. I questioned what it would look like. I realized that I don’t want to go through it. I also would mentally roll my eyes about the lessons that given. In this realm, the people with the NDEs, would talk to loved ones or would have conversations with their angels. They all said that they felt this immense love that could not be described. They were given information that was necessary and were given a choice of coming back to Earth. They all came back but they all stated that they did want to stay. I would get tripped out by the fact that they wanted to stay but knew they had to come back. But what stuck with me after watching the videos is that they seemed sad to be back on Earth. They couldn’t really share this information about their experience with everyone. Even those who would talk to doctors and nurses would get a cold shoulder which made me sympathetic to them.

My wife would find more videos for me to watch. I would either dismiss them or view them after dinner. She would convince me about how good the video was when she saw it earlier in the day. So I would watch. The one NDE video that struck me was that of an atheist who nearly died. His experience was very much the same as everyone else who had an NDE. I resonated with his story when he talked about his reluctance to religion and God. He talked about how dismissive he was to anyone who would approach him with any hint of religion or God. His experience in the other realm was similar with a life review and I believe he talked to an angel. He came back to Earth with a knowing that we are all a part of God. He mentioned how he came back to Earth with more compassion. Although he did not become extremely religious, he no longer saw himself as an Atheist. He knew where we come from and where we go after this life. He had a peace with him and I immediately started to look for similar stories.

“I would like to have an NDE!”

I found the videos inspiring and I found them cool. It made me even say, “I would like to have an NDE!”. My wife would laugh and told me that she would believe me if I did have one. Later, I saw a YouTube video where a woman had an NDE as a baby. She did not realize that she had one until her brother told her about that experience. After watching that video I realized I may have had one. I felt like it may have happened to me.

There was always a family story about how I fell down the stairs twice as a baby. My brothers would make fun of me for falling down. I was learning to walk and I was in a baby walker when I fell down the basement stairs. I don’t remember any of it. The first time I fell, my mother was aware of it and had freaked out. The second time, my mother was at work. My dad covered it up so my mom wouldn’t know about it. Some time later, my older brother accidentally told my mom. He revealed that I had fallen down a second time. Of course, she was angry with my dad. While telling my wife the story, I suddenly recalled something important. My family mentioned I had passed out in one of those falls. I came to the conclusion that that I may have indeed had an NDE! This was an ongoing story that I remembered as a kid and teen. I hated hearing these stories because it made me feel like such a klutz even though I was just a baby!

I became curious about that whole event. I called my older brother and he told me a version of the story I had never heard before. He said that I passed out during the first fall. My mother immediately rushed to grab me and he saw my body limp. My mother ran upstairs and ran outside of the house hysterical. According to my brother, she was screaming and yelling outside of the house. He remembers her saying, “They took my baby! God, please help me!” At some point, while I was in her arms, I came to. My brother stated that he saw me my legs kick out and that I had started crying at that point. My mother was relieved. So it was no surprise that she would be very upset knowing that this happened again. Sidenote, there is a door leading to the basement. My parents had rented out the basement room to my uncle and aunt. Someone accidentally left the door open, hence why I fell, twice.

After talking to my older brother, I called my mother about this story. She recounted it, she got very emotional talking about it. I felt bad for bringing it up. However, it gave me confirmation that I potentially had an NDE as a child. I was just a toddler! Of course, if I did have an NDE, I don’t remember it. In the YouTube videos, people who experienced an NDE would sometimes say they felt gone for a long time. This was even though they were gone for only a few minutes on Earth. So I wonder, how long was I gone for?

Dreaming – Is it a gift?

I came to the conclusion as to why I had very vivid dreams growing up. It was most likely the result of an NDE. Becoming aware of this event made me understand some of the things I dealt with as a child. I was always confused by my déjà vu dreams. These moments from these déjà vu dreams would happen within a couple of days. They were so vivid that I couldn’t understand why I was having them.

I remember as a 6 year old trying to explain them to my parents. I would dream about myself and the people I was around. A few days later, it felt like I had been here all along. I wanted them to help me. They weren’t bad dreams but they were dreams of the near future. As I got older, I started having fewer déjà vu dreams. However, when the moments would come to fruition, there was an intense dream recall. Almost a reminder that I still had those type of dreams. I would also have odd experiences that I could only attribute to the paranormal. Yet, I always knew I had something special. It felt like I can attract more that what’s in the physical plane. I kept these things to myself. Sometimes, I shared them with my siblings when they talked about certain weird things they noticed.

I could talk more about my experiences growing up in my parent’s house but I’ll save that for another time. Fast forward to now. I only remember having had one lucid dream when I was a teenager. I’ve had four lucid dreams this year and I’m trying to figure out how to “do” it again. In all four of these dreams, an event made me realize I was in a dream. I have tried to use some of the same triggers but they don’t seem to work. I have been reading more books than I ever have. In the past, I read only when it was necessary. Now I’m reading a lot of books about spiritual growth and how to heal. I have joined a metaphysical church and am learning about gifts that people have. I want to learn more about these gifts and to find my own gift. I’m guessing that my gift might be that of dreams or dreaming. Dream Incubation has been mentioned to me. I think tapping into that would be my goal as well as others. There are so many things that I have learned over the last year and a half. I will use this time to write and share with whoever wants to read.

I am sending an SOS. This is to those who have begun their journey like me. It is also for those who have been on their journey for some time. It is for those who would like to share some wisdom and knowledge. I am a believer that we are all the same and we are of love. I am loved, you are loved, we are all loved. With that energy, everything becomes better. I just want to stay in that mindset. I also want to keep my heart open. If you’re out there and see this SOS, say hello.

It’s been over 3 years, it’s time to write something…anything…DO IT!

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I can’t believe that it’s been three years since my last post. Writing during the pandemic was helpful and then…I just stopped writing. Every year since I’ve had to renew my subscription to the blog and I’ve thought about writing something, yet nothing was produced. It’s weird, recently I thought about my blog and it had nothing to do with the renewal. I logged back on and decided to dust off the cobwebs. For the last couple of days, I have been thinking about what to write and I’ve decided to write about my podcast. It’s probably one of the most fun and yet frustrating experiences I’ve had. I’m going to keep it short and sweet for now.

History of the Curbed Wheels Podcast

My friend Freddy, aka Wheels and I talked about starting a podcast as a way to get through the pandemic/shutdown and to revive our comedy goals/careers. I found the talks to be invigorating but was hesitant to even start. I finally decided to give it a shot and bought equipment for the podcast. It was exciting as I felt like, we could do something creative and something informative.

Freddy and I met because of comedy. I wish I could remember the moment I first spoke to him but honestly it all seems like a blur. I know I met him somewhere between 2012 and 2014 when I was performing three to five times a week. I eventually slowed down my stand-up career and really got into teaching comedy through the library. It was a lot of work but I really enjoyed it and fed off of the energy of the students who really enjoyed comedy. Some students wanted to perform and needed the push. Some were curious but wanted to learn more. Freddy was a guest comedian in some of my sessions and would talk to my students about his experiences, lessons learned, and imparted some of his wisdom to them. At the end of the four weeks, there would be a comedy show and the students would perform in front of a live audience. Sometimes, the guest comics would perform. Whenever I invited Freddy, he was the first to say yes and would perform extremely well.

Once COVID hit, we would chat about comedy and baseball. We definitely connected when it came to baseball. So much so that in 2018, we took a trip to Boston. I had planned it as the Mets were visiting Boston for an inter-league series then. Freddy is a huge Red Sox fan and I have always wanted to see Fenway Park. That trip gave me insight into Freddy’s world because he uses a wheelchair. There was a lot to consider going on this trip and made me realize how hard he has it when it comes to using public transportation. This would be a part of the podcast that I wanted to highlight. Something that would give Freddy a platform to discuss the difficulties of getting from one place to another. We brainstormed and discussed how the podcast would take shape.

The Podcast

After discussing the logistics, we just ran with it. We recorded our first two episodes on our first night of recording. Everyone was excited, it was great to see Freddy again, we hadn’t seen each other in person since 2019. It was a reunion and we had fun recording. We had a lot of response from friends and family on those first two episodes. Everyone said that they loved the show and were looking forward to the next couple of episodes.

Podcasts are very similar to doing stand-up. After a couple of times up on stage, your friends and family will stop showing up. Same with the podcast, after a couple of episodes, we were dropping off on listeners. We didn’t get many likes with our social media posts and eventually it just dried up.

I was frustrated and I was talking to Freddy about doing more on social media to promote the podcast. We got lucky with a few videos that were posted on YouTube but nothing was sticking. We weren’t consistent with our topics, on our recordings, and with our social media presence. We ended up taking a break as we both lost the energy to continue.

Conclusion?

We forged through it. Despite getting annoyed at each other we came back and just recently completed our first year of doing a podcast. We have tried to retool our show but the medium for a podcast is difficult. If you’re famous or have some sort of big following from something else, a podcast would already have a built in audience. We have started from scratch and my hope is that we can build a following.

We are still trying but we’re struggling to get listeners. We’ve dried up on our likes from our friends and families. We’re going to have to find a niche soon or this may be a project that was a part of my and Freddy’s life that became unsustainable. Stay tuned.

The Cello

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I bought a cello in 2007 and have probably played it twice.  At home, in my closet, collecting dust.  I’m not a complete novice to the cello, I played the cello for 6 years growing up.  I guess the cello at home is just a reminder of when I did play the cello.  It probably would be better used as a big ass paperweight at this point.  Now that I think about it, it’s more of a reminder of why I stopped playing the cello.

I played the cello from 2nd grade up until 8th grade.  I stopped playing the cello in 9th grade for a couple of reasons.  I was never fully vested in the cello so that was reason #1, the Addams Family Values movie, reason #2, and the summer of 1994 broke the camel’s back. No more cello!

pitch

Elementary School

My older sister and brother played an instrument from elementary school through high school.  My older brother played the cello in elementary school and eventually switched over to the trumpet.  My sister played the violin and the flute.  My mom wanted me to play the cello just like my older brother.  I thought it would be cool to play an instrument so why not follow big brother. I’ll never forget the day I brought my cello home, my mom was so proud.  I remember her crying and dragging my little brother to the side door of the house, and saying how I reminded her of Freddy.  In elementary school, I had to bring in the cello once a week and it was annoying to bring on the school bus.

I picked it up really quick.  I remember my music teacher giving me homework and I hardly practiced at home.  I would practice when my mom would be like, “Why is that cello in the closet!  Get it out and practice!”  Reluctantly, I would practice.  Sometimes in front of my parents, siblings, or some friends of the family whenever my mom would want to showoff.

I remember enjoying the cello in elementary school because it got me out of my class once a week for an hour and I remember my teacher being impressed with how well I played even though I hardly practiced at home.  I liked the comradery with the band and chorus kids.  One of my fondest memories was during a practice for a winter concert, during a repetitive piece, I would play a different part of music on the sheet, only to get back in-sync with the orchestra just because the repetitions were boring me. I did it for the challenge and to make it interesting.  My partner would notice it and sometimes the music teacher would notice it but when it came down to the concert, I made sure not to deviate from the music sheet.

Jr. High School

Orchestra became one of my main classes in junior high school.  Unlike elementary school, where it was more of a one on one lesson, this was a group playing every single day.  The seventh graders practiced together, the 8th graders practiced together, and the 9th graders practiced together.  Once it was time for a concert, we all joined forces to destroy the universe.  Just want to check if your still reading.

Anyways, we practiced every day, I had one cello for school and one for home.  So I no longer had to carry around my cello to and from school.  Since we played every day in school, I no longer practiced at home.  I played my cello and eventually became cello #1, the coveted leader spot.  My teacher was impressed how quickly I rose to that spot without private lessons.  All of that would change in the Spring of 1994.  In preparing for the spring concert, all the students had to bring in their home instruments to the concert.  I didn’t think anything of it until the first day of practice.

I unzip the case and see a massive hole in the cello.  There were pieces of the cello inside the hole!  I was like, WTF!!!  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  I never use this instrument so how did it break???  I couldn’t believe it and was scared to tell my mom.  I had no choice but to tell her since she was driving me up to practice. I got yelled at, of course.  I would too if Nik did the same thing.  What made my mom even more upset is that I kept telling her that I don’t know how it broke.  She was like, “What do you mean, you don’t know how you broke it!”  I was like, “I didn’t break it, that’s the point!”

Either way, I was responsible for the instrument and had to come up with an excuse.  My younger brother, Kenny, came up with a nifty excuse.  He said, “Why don’t you tell the music teacher, you were walking up the steps with the instrument and you tripped and fell on top of it.”  I was like, that’s fucking good!  I was a little surprised to see him having sympathy for me rather than tease me for my misfortune.  I told that excuse to my music teacher who wasn’t buying it.  He told me that I would probably have to pay for a replacement cello.  He lectured me on how instruments are not cheap and that this was going to cost me a lot of money.

Summer of 1994

My parents got a bill of $600 for the cello.  My mom was like, now you’re going to have to get a job to pay for it.  Your fault, your responsibility, now you go to work.  My father got me a job at a local deli.  I worked the weekends all summer.  I stocked all of their fridges with sodas, juices, and 40’s.  40’s were kind of a big deal back then.  I learned a lot with that job.  I learned that you can’t spill grease on your clothes because it will never go away.  Carrying grease buckets took a lot of skill!  Even spilling grease on a sidewalk would permanently stain it.  I learned that mopping floors before closing would annoy customers, so I did it anyway. lol  I always kept the basement clean even though my co-worker would get it all messy just so I could clean it up.  My first lesson on having co-workers that don’t always pull their weight. lol   I saw co-workers brawl inside of the walk-in fridge only to be cool the next day.  Every paycheck went straight to my mom.

By the time school rolled around, I had finished paying off my debt.  I decided it was time to quit the cello.

Before I get to that part, let’s go back to the Adams Family Values movie.

Adams Family Values

addams-family-values_still1
That’s my cello burning in the background. Cara Mia!

Towards the end of the school year, there were no more concerts to practice for.  The band and chorus teachers would let their students hang out during the period and would sometimes put a movie on.  These were the VHS days!  Watching a movie in school was a big deal!  Even if it was a movie you had seen before.

My orchestra teacher didn’t care.  The band and chorus kids would be laughing, eating, and doing homework during the movie, while we continue to play our instruments.  My classmates banded together against the orchestra teacher and asked why weren’t we getting free time.  His response, “We keep playing.”  Who was this Bill Belechick???  What the hell man!  Then one day, the band and chorus were watching Adams Family Values, which had just come out on VHS.  We were so bummed and I was upset because I really wanted to see that movie.  We were playing music just for hell of it.  So naturally, I kept this in mind when it was time to quit the cello.

Sidenote: The last week of school, the music teacher did give us a break and my first inkling of comedy came out.  “Yo Momma Jokes” were in at that time and I remember I was annoyed at the music teacher that I told my friends a joke.  I said, Mr. Insert Name is so fat, that when he drives his van, he can only make left turns.  lol I got some chuckles and even one kid thought about it and started laughing while repeating the joke.

In Memoriam

I quit the orchestra and the cello in 9th grade.  Carrying grease buckets, dealing with ladies from salon who were upset with me for not putting the cold drinks at the front of the fridge, and mopping floors for small paychecks were fresh on my mind.  Not watching The Addams Family Values movie, right behind it.  My teacher tried his best to convince me to play again and I just kept saying no.

Instead of orchestra, I took an art class and found it to be much more relaxing than orchestra.  I loved watercolors and drying my artwork on the rack.  It was cool and different.  Plus I now got to hang out with kids who were not part of the band, orchestra, and chorus clique.  I saw a whole new world!

I can’t say that I missed playing the cello.  Sometimes I would rib the kid who took my spot and tell him that if I came back, I would still be #1, kind of like when Michael Jordan came back.  He would laugh but I knew it wouldn’t be long before he caught up to my cello skills.  I never looked back at it and was glad I didn’t have to drag my parents to another boring winter concert.  How many times do you want to hear Jingle Bells or some other holiday song?

WAIT SO HOW DID THE CELLO BREAK???

brokencello
This sort of looks like the broken cello but just imagine a bigger hole.

Oh so in 2003, I came home from college and saw my brothers laughing hysterically.  I was like, what is so funny?  Kenny, my younger brother, says, YOU!  I was like, “Hahaha.  No what’s so funny?”

Kenny: Remember when that cello broke?  Well, Freddy and I were wrestling and he body slammed me into your cello.  The cello broke and we didn’t know what to do, so we put in the smashed pieces in the hole and let it sit.  You didn’t notice it for weeks until the concert. So now you know how it broke!

Me: You guys owe me $600 plus interest.  Not funny.  No wonder you came up with that excuse!  No wonder you were all sympathetic! You two are fucking idiots!!! I gave up playing because of that broken cello.

They just laughed.  That’s family.

So why did I buy a cello after all these years?  I was browsing on Craigslist and saw a brand new cello for $250.  Do you know how cheap that is???  I actually thought about flipping it for more money but I kind of like it as a memory piece, that is currently at home, in my closet, collecting dust.

The Dad Moment

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My son was born last year and of course, my life changed forever.  When my son was born, I honestly couldn’t believe it.  I was thinking, here is this little being who is going to call me “Dad” one day.  What is this going to be like?  I didn’t even know what to do when I physically saw him for the first time.  I just touched him with my finger to see if he’s real!  It was just too surreal and for some reason, the first 24 hours with Nik felt like a dream.

The first couple of days, the first few weeks were memorable.  He was so tiny, he took a lot of cat naps, and seemed to be curious about his surroundings whenever his eyes were open.  I was learning everything I could about taking care of a newborn baby.  My friends and family were always asking me, “What’s it like being a Dad?”  “How do you feel now that you are a Dad?”  Honestly, I didn’t feel anything Dad-like during this time.  I was expecting it to hit me right away but I was consumed by making sure I was there for my family.  I wanted to make sure my wife and I were doing everything right in taking care of Nik.  We were learning what works best for Nik and following the outline of things to do and look out for from our pediatrician. A part of me felt like I was learning to babysit a new child.  I wasn’t panicking that I didn’t feel like a Dad but I figured it would hit me in time.  In the first couple of weeks of having Nik in the house, I thought about it whenever someone asked me that question otherwise it really wasn’t on the forefront of my mind.

I would say about 3 months or 4 months in, it finally happened.  I wish I would have recorded the date now looking back but the memory is still there.  It was early on a Saturday morning, around 4 or 5am when Nik started to cry.  Jennifer faintly said, “It’s your turn now.” and I was reluctant to get up.  I knew Jennifer was tired and had been up with him earlier so I had no choice but to get up.  I remember being so annoyed with Nik and I was like, “Alright, let’s do this.”  I knew he wasn’t hungry as Jennifer had given him a bottle when she was up with him.  So I figured he either had to be lulled back to sleep or needed a diaper change.  His diaper was full so I picked him up and took him to the changing table in the other room.  I turned on the light and put him on the changing table.  I was the only one that really used the changing table.  Jennifer and her mother would change him on the fly on the couch or on the bed.  I just needed to have all the diapers, wipes, and the Peepee Teepee around me so that I wouldn’t mess things up on the couch or the bed.  My fear was to have Nik pee all over me or all over the bed or couch.  If you don’t know what the Peepee Teepee is, it’s a cone shaped cloth that basically absorbs the pee in case your baby starts going while your changing them.  I only ended up using once, so I guess I got lucky. lol

Nik had calmed down when we got into the other room.  He was very calm when I put him on the changing table.  I remember taking off the soiled diaper and began grabbing the new diaper when all of a sudden a loud fart emerged.  He farts loud and I wake up instantly.  Up until that moment, I thought baby farts were supposed to be a soft noise, a cute noise, something associated with adorable and the phrase “awwwww”.  This was not adorable whatsoever.  This sounded like a man fart.  The type of fart you hear in a public men’s bathroom.  I was shocked and looked at Nik with astonishment.  I was very awake now.  I looked at Nik and was like, “Only a baby but farts like a grown man! I’m so proud of you!” and I start laughing uncontrollably.  My laugh was contagious that Nik starts laughing uncontrollably as well.  It was the first time that we had a moment like that.  I connected with him more than ever and it was the first time I had him laughing like that.  I wasn’t into making silly faces or silly noises.  Jennifer would make him laugh like that and she would tease me for not trying to do that with Nik.  I would get a smile from him from time to time but not a giggle.

After changing his diaper, I held him for a long time.  I remember looking directly at him and saying, “I love you son!”  I had woke up with an attitude and now I’m looking at my son and saying, “Every single moment I spend time with you is worth it!” with a giant grin on my face.  I remember not wanting to go back to sleep in that moment, I even wanted to wake up Jennifer for that moment but quickly realized she was too tired to be bothered.

I put Nik back to sleep in the bassinet and remember crawling back to bed.  I remember not falling asleep right away as I was so happy to have that moment with Nik. I couldn’t wait to tell Jennifer about it.  I remember being excited that I can finally answer my friends and family with a sincere response that made me feel proud to be a father.