Lately, I’ve been going to my local library to check out books that pertain to the subject of metaphysics. Most of the books I have been reading are on the introduction of metaphysics or guidance on meditation. I recently had to return a book when I started a conversation with a former colleague. I was a librarian for 18 years and changed profession a few years ago. In this particular afternoon, I was asked if I miss working at the library. I was honest and said “Yes, at times.” I then shared an story about a patron who brought in a tire into the library.
I always found working in a public library to be interesting. There was never a dull day at the library because the staff and I would encounter all walks of life. It’s a public setting and everyone is welcome. When I became a manager, I had to be at the forefront whenever there were issues. I could be dealing with an issue regarding fines on a late item or items or worse, a problem patron.
I have many stories on problem patrons. However, the one that stuck out to me that afternoon involved a regular patron. This patron decided to bring a used tire into the library. I’ll call him Mr. Patron for this story.
I was in my office when I got a call about Mr. Patron. He was sitting at the computer desk and had a car tire laying next to him. This part of the library had a narrow hallway and his tire was blocking access to the other computer desks. I remember feeling puzzled. Why was he allowed in with that tire? I learned, as a manager, some staff members do not want to confront a patron. They would rather have the manager deal with it. To be fair, the staff member who called me, was very proactive but needed my assistance to de-escalate the situation. That staff member had just started her rotation at the desk. The previous staff member overlooked the situation.
When I arrived, I was shocked to see a pretty big tire laying on the ground while Mr. Patron was on the computer. The staff member who called me tried to get him to take the tire outside. Mr. Patron did not want to move the tire. I asked to speak to Mr. Patron privately and he immediately got defensive. He stated that he needed that tire because he and his friends at the shelter were buying a van. They thought it would be great to keep this tire as a spare for their future purchase. I listened to Mr. Patron until he was calm. Then I explained to him the rules of behavior for patrons in the library. I specifically referred to items that could interfere with access for other patrons.
To give some background on Mr. Patron, he was a regular at the library. Sometimes we had to ask him to leave for multiple reasons. He was someone who could either be receptive to being asked to leave or he would get very angry. I knew that I could not laugh or say anything that would be disrespectful to Mr. Patron. I knew that I had de-escalate the situation and I did not want to rush to call the police. I knew that if I spoke to him in a calm manner and listened, we could come to a resolution.
I was glad he wasn’t combative that day. To my surprise, he did seem receptive to moving the tire outside of the library. We had a lobby area. I suggested that he move it there. This way, he could see it from where he was sitting. He was afraid someone might steal it. I did not think the tire would be stolen. However, I was concerned that someone would report the tire to the maintenance crew for removal. I made sure to let my co-workers know that we were going to let Mr. Patron leave his tire there until he was done with his computer time. He sat at his computer for about 20 minutes and left the library. He took his tire and we did not see him the rest of the day.
Mr. Patron did try to come back the next couple of days with his tire. Again, I told him that we could not have him bring the tire inside. He was not happy about it but those were the rules. Eventually, he came back to the library by himself with no tire.
I looked back at that moment. I realized how much that tire meant to him. I did not invalidate his claim or logic. That is his truth and I respected it. I could have dismissed him without reasoning. However, I felt he needed someone to understand. I also knew that we had to come to a resolution.
Why am I writing about this?
For a week I thought about why I mentioned this story that afternoon. I was wondering, why is this running in my head, how does this relate to my last three posts?
I am starting to come to the realization on which direction I want to go on my spiritual journey. I am fascinated by spiritual gifts that people receive either through a near death experience or through another channel. I find that when someone tells me their story, I listen and I sincerely believe in everything they tell me. I want them to understand that they are not alone. If my purpose is to bring that information out, then that is what I would like to do. I want to help anyone who has the same experience but has no one to talk to. To bring those stories out and to create a community that helps with learning more about these gifts.
I will share more as I embark on this project. I hope to share this with anyone that reads my blog posts.
A routine fly ball in a baseball game is one reason for my spiritual awakening. Not exactly the path that you normally hear about. A single baseball opened my eyes to something bigger.
As a child, I found sports to be a chore. Every fall and spring, my mother would sign up my brothers and I to play soccer. My older brother was very talented and would score goals. He was celebrated for carrying his team. My younger brother emulated him and he too scored goals. Me? I wasn’t scoring goals. The pressure to score was too much. I didn’t like it, so I pivoted to basketball and track & field.
Basketball and track & field boosted my confidence. Although I struggled with basketball, making a basket always felt good. Track & field is where I found my stride. I realized that I had quick reaction and a burst of speed. I enjoyed track meets as I felt like I could beat anyone.
My confidence grew with track & field so much so that I decided to give soccer another shot. I played better as a defender and my reaction was much quicker. I started to play other sports realizing that I could use my speed to my advantage. For the most part it worked but at times but would get frustrated in learning the fundamentals of each sport. Speed is only one aspect of each sport.
I’m not going to rehash everything about my sports career. However, I will say that when I was sprinting, there were times where I felt I was flying. It is hard to describe. My feet would touch the ground slightly for a gentle push. It almost felt like I was weightless during that movement. At times I would feel this and it felt like things would oddly slow down. I loved that feeling but if I happened to trip up, the fall would be long and painful.
Many people are aware of the movie, The Matrix. Before the sequel’s release, an animated movie titled the Animatrix came out. It had a series of animated shorts that provided some background to the story behind the Matrix. One of my favorite episodes of the Animatrix is World Record. I bring this up to give context on my baseball story. This episode always resonated with me and I always attributed it to running track & field.
In this story, the main character is trying to break the world record in the 100 meters. There is suspicion of cheating. He wants to prove to the world that he can break the record without doping. There is some discussion about the main character not running in the race. In the end, he decides to compete.
In the race, he starts off well but his leg muscles begins to tear as he’s running. Determined, he pushes through and continues the race. As he’s in the lead, he again deals with issues with his legs. However, he continues running. He runs to the point where he gets out of the Matrix. He wakes up in his pod and then he ends up back in his mind, running the race. Right before he crosses the finish line, the agents attempt to stop him from breaking the record. He wins the race breaking the world record but is clearly injured once he clears the finish line.
In the end, he’s in a wheelchair being pushed by a nurse. The agent who chased him, confirms that he will never walk again and that his memory has been wiped. At some point, the main character says, “Free” and starts to get up. The agent then says to get back down and the main character defies everything that the agent has said.
The Fly Ball – The Moment Everything Changed
I decided to start playing baseball at age 40. I love baseball. Even though I played softball in my 20s and 30s, I always felt empty for not attempting to play baseball. I signed up in a men’s recreational league and figured, why not take a chance now?
I felt like a kid again, but not in an exciting way. This feeling was similar to when I first started playing soccer. I was nervous to say the least. I always felt confident hitting the ball but playing in the field, I was lost. I tried to play right field. Right field is the area where the weakest defenders go to play. However, the manager wanted me in left field or center field. If the ball was in the air, mentally I would be freaking out about making the catch. If the ball was hit into the outfield and it was out of reach, I reacted with no hesitation. I would retrieve the ball and throw it back to the infielder. In other words, if the ball was not catchable, I felt relief.
Many times, I would either give up trying to catch the ball if it was in front of me. If the ball was coming in my direction, I would hesitate to attempt to catch it because I would be in my head thinking about avoiding making a mistake. If I did make an attempt, the ball would drop out of my glove when making the catch. It’s weird. I felt the pressure of catching a fly ball. It was made worse when I can see my teammates looking to see if I made the catch. If I did make a catch, I would feel great. My confidence would rise. But in baseball, everything is unpredictable. I always knew that the routine fly ball, would always give me trouble!
Everything changed in one game. I was in center field and I remember our pitcher was in a jam. There were no outs and he walked the first two hitters. The next batter hit a ball with a loud crack of the bat. It louder than normal and I failed to pick up on this. The ball was going far. I backed up and backed up. I misplayed the ball and fell down in the process. I remember the ball landing not very far from where I fell. I knew I was close but should have been further back to make the catch. The ball was catchable but I misplayed it badly and was embarrassed. I also could tell that the pitcher wanted the out and I felt worse.
The hitter ended up with a triple on that play. The next batter hit a line drive and ended up at first base with an RBI single. At that point, I was upset because I felt like I just allowed 3 runs on my mistake. So I told myself that I’m going to catch the next ball that comes my way. What came next was unbelievable.
I got in this weird space in my head. I was upset but also focused to make up for my bad defense. The next batter got into the box. I sensed someone was telling me to run to right field for the next play. The hitter was on the right side of the plate. Normally, when a hitter is on that side, as a center fielder you line up closer to left field. They tend to pull the ball. I played it the opposite as if someone was guiding me.
As soon as the pitcher threw the ball, it was like someone had told me to “GO!”. I immediately took off, the batter hit the ball to right field. I immediately saw the ball and thought it was out of reach. I took a sigh of relief. Then, I ran after the ball expecting to pick it up from the ground. The weird thing about this experience was that I ran at full speed and pivoted to run towards the outfield wall. After changing direction, everything began to slow down. I didn’t have any thoughts in my head.
I saw the ball from the corner of my eye. From the moment I pivoted, I was now chasing the ball. As I was running, the ball was getting closer and closer to me. It was as if the ball was floating in the air slowly waiting for me to catch it. I put my glove up and reached up to catch the ball. The ball landed in my glove and I stopped. Everything felt surreal. I couldn’t believe I caught the ball! I stared at my glove for a split second when the right fielder, immediately yelled, “GREAT CATCH!”. I was stunned just as he was. The runner on 1st base was running towards home plate not realizing that I made the catch. My second baseman also was stunned and didn’t realize I made the catch. I threw the ball back to him. He didn’t know what to do. Everyone on the field yelled at him to throw the ball to 1st base. He even said, “He caught the ball???”
I then realized everyone on the field saw something crazy. The batter was awestruck. The runner couldn’t believe it, the opposing team couldn’t believe it and my team was ecstatic! The second baseman threw to first base and got the double play. Everyone was like, “Great catch!” I was stunned and was like, what just happened??? Who told me to go? How did I know the ball would go into an area? Even the runner who was on 1st base didn’t bother to run back to 1st as he was rounding third base. He was so sure it was a hit, he didn’t hesitate to try to score, he just ran home.
Below is a diagram of the play.
Here is my hand-made diagram of the play. The red line is the path of the baseball. The blue line is how I ran towards the ball. I ran to right field and then made a mental sigh of relief when I thought the ball was not within reach so I pivoted to catch the ball. FYI – THIS IS NOT THE ROUTE YOU TAKE TO CATCH A BALL LIKE THIS! I ran right after the pitch was thrown. I reacted once the ball was in the air.
I wished there was a way to see the replay. I wanted to see if it was just a regular play in my head or was it something more. I realized it was something more. The manager even told me, “Wow, you got on your horse for that one!” Everyone high-fived me when the half inning was over. I knew this would be a play for maybe a major leaguer. A very well-seasoned center fielder could make that catch if they knew the hitter would go opposite field but I ran as soon as the pitch was thrown.
Who does that?
That memory stayed with me. I didn’t react to the ball. I was told which way to go before the pitcher threw his pitch. I could have made a bad decision if that ball would have gone to left field or even center. I was stunned that the ball just hung up there and that I felt this weightless feeling again.
What was that?
Four years later, I now realize spirit was with me and helped me. It was like the movie Angels in the Outfield. I got an assist, maybe they even carried me to the ball or they purposely hung the ball up in the air.
I don’t know.
Maybe I somehow had the ability of an ascended master for a few seconds where anything is possible. I know something special happened and there were witnesses to see it. Did I become a great fielder because of this?
Nope.
I still dropped fly balls and had misplays on the field. I didn’t unlock a new skill. I understand that I saw something more. It is similar to the World Record episode of the Animatrix. I don’t have answer to it and I am not looking to solve it.
Even after the “Hand of God” catch, the manager benched me for the next inning. Everyone on my team laughed because they saw an amazing catch that was not rewarded. Honestly, I laughed it off. It didn’t matter. I felt something amazing. It was something I couldn’t really describe in the moment but it was amazing. Super human is the word that comes to mind.
I like to look back at this moment for my personal evidence that there is more to this world than we will possibly ever know. I also acknowledge it because the evidence is never where you expect it to be and this baseball game was it for me.
After my last post, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I posted something to my site that was overdue. It really meant a lot to me. As the days went on, I then felt this odd sense of writers block. How do I follow up from the last post? Will it be as interesting?
In the past, I would have these conversations in my head. They would lead me to start writing to only end up not producing anything. It is a frustrating part of anything artistic. You feel a sense of accomplishment. Then you struggle to just put something, anything together, as you become your own worst critic.
Divine Timing and Manifestation
Before writing this post, I was drawn to the sentence of the post’s title. I’ve seen this sentence in many texts lately and have heard these exact words in other mediums. I equate this title to divine timing. I’m now doing research into divine timing as it gives me a better understanding of manifestation and synchronicity. Divine timing is the belief that everything in your life occurs at exactly the right moment.
Manifestation is the idea that, through the power of belief, we can effectively “think” a goal into reality. Sounds easy right? But it is much more complicated than that. I remember watching a video where someone equated manifestation as placing an order with the universe. After placing your order, you wait for it to arrive. The analogy used was that of ordering food in a restaurant. The waiter (Universe) takes the order, gives it to the cook, and the cook prepares the meal. Once it is ready, you get your meal, aka manifestation. I know that things manifest when you’re ready. The universe must also be ready for you to receive it.
Divine timing encourages trust. The universe is guiding you towards what’s best for you. This trust remains even when you face challenges or delays. So sometimes, your order may take awhile. You have to be okay with waiting for it. It will come when it’s ready.
Before I had my spiritual awakening, I had moments where things would happen when I internally asked for it. It was like a wish coming true moment. Not that it happened immediately, but it would eventually come to me. I never understood those moments until now. I would like to share a moment I had back in 2010 that happened very quickly.
Washington D.C. – 2009
I moved to the Washington D.C. in late 2009. It was meant to be a great move for my career. It also allowed me to be closer to my family. Instead, it was a depressing time of my life. I didn’t want to dwell on it during this transition. I had moved from a Houston, Texas. Houston is very hot but during the winter months, the weather was very comfortable. I spent five years enjoying the warm winters and it was an abrupt change when I moved to D.C. It was cold and I was living in a dark, no frills apartment. Moving from a single-family home to an apartment was arduous. When I finally settled in, I found no excitement in being in that apartment. I felt stuck and found reasons to not be at “home”. This was also a time when the real estate market collapsed. I could not find a buyer for my house in Houston. I was stuck with rent and a mortgage. My budget was lean to say the least. Even during this lean time, I would find ways to spend time outside of my apartment. It was too depressing to be in.
The Capitol Building.
I think about it now and laugh in my head about how sad it was. I figured things would get better once my house was sold. I started to have feelings of regret for moving to D.C. but I wasn’t allowing it to take over my emotions. In my head, I was giving myself at least a year. I wanted to get situated before deciding to possibly move again.
The highlight at the end of 2009 was having Thanksgiving with my family in New York. It was the first Thanksgiving with my family in six years. It felt great driving up. I remember a feeling of euphoria as I drove through very little traffic to get to my parents’ house. It was a memorable Thanksgiving and I was grateful to be back in New York. Then on that Sunday after Thanksgiving, I decided to drive back and encountered the worst drive back to D.C. ever. I learned that was the worst time to drive anywhere.
I got back “home” and got back to work at my new job. There was a snowstorm in December that was cool and I remember enjoying it. But then came more snowstorms. In February 2010, Snowmaggedon hit D.C.
Snowmaggedon
During those two weeks of Snowmaggedon, I remember working just three days. I was not happy to be in my apartment. I was in solitude with no cable, just basic tv. Internet was different then. I couldn’t stream shows or binge watch TV series. My apartment wasn’t very well insulated so the heat could only heat so much.
An actual photo from the cleanup from Snowmaggedon 2010.
After each passing snow storm, I would spend hours digging my car out from all the snow. I made sure to dig out the car when the snow was soft as it would harden the next day. I also did not want to break my shovel. I had cleared out my car multiple times. I went out with my shovel when the snow storm stopped. I also went out when it would lighten up. It was crazy how much snow we had that winter. I would even go out at night because I wasn’t sleeping well.
This is not my car but eerily similar to it. This picture was taken in Washington D.C. during Snowmaggedon, Feb. 2010.
I was also so bored that I cleared out the sidewalk to the building. This allowed my neighbors to walk into the building without slipping. They do not have to step into thick snow.
I remember feeling alone. I didn’t have any friends in the area. I only just started to meet my co-workers. I also didn’t want my family to worry about me, so I just gave canned responses that all was well.
I spent many hours digging my car out. One day, I cleared out so much snow to avoid getting more snow plowed into my car. I lived on a busy street. The plows came at all times during the day and night to clear the road. I was confident that the overnight plows would not dump any snow on my car. I woke up the next day and saw that more snow and ice were packed against my car. I remember my neighbor feeling bad for me. She was like, “That’s messed up! You cleared out so much yesterday.”
I was livid but gave a calm response. I set out to do more work with my shovel. This time, I really had to work harder to dig out my car. The ice was very thick and needed to be chopped. Then it could be dumped onto the sidewalk or grass. It would have been too heavy to shovel right away and would have broken my shovel.
I then found that my car had a flat tire. How am I going to get this fixed???
I didn’t know what to do and I had no idea how I would get this tire fixed. I knew I couldn’t drive it anywhere. It was already cold and I had never really changed a tire before. I had no clue what to do next. Do I pay to get it towed? Would anyone come out today?
Divine Timing?
Before Snowmaggedon, I did take a short trip to NY in January to attend my friend’s funeral. I had plans to see him at some point in the Spring or Summer. I think we had plans to play basketball. He would mention working out in his Facebook posts, to get back into shape for the summer. I thought of him while shoveling and remembered thinking of the silver lining of shoveling being the equivalent of working out.
As I stood by the flat tire, I decided that I should shovel. I thought that maybe I could gather my thoughts to come up with a plan. I am chopping, digging, and throwing. In that process, I started to think, wouldn’t it be cool if my tire got fixed without moving it. I thought of it a couple of times and sighed sarcastically, “Yeah okay.”
At some point, I see a vehicle repair truck park on the other side of the road. It is not too far from where I am standing. I continue to dig but a sudden thought came to me. “Go and see if they can fix your tire.” I remember hesitating and then decided to dig some more. I saw that the mechanic was repairing a stalled vehicle on the opposite side of the road. It was unusual to see a car parked on that side as there was a no strict parking law on that side of the street.
The vehicle must have stalled and not been able to restart. As a result the driver abandoned the car. I kept getting the thought, “Go and see if they can fix your tire.” For some reason I felt embarrassed for wanting to ask but I finally did. I approached the mechanic and asked him if he was able to fix my flat tire. I told him that I would pay him. I don’t think I had cash but I just wanted to see if he would be available to come over. I explained to him my situation but he didn’t really want to hear me out.
The mechanic seemed stressed out by numerous calls that he needed to tend to. He refused to help anyone else unless they had made some sort of formal request. I was sympathetic to his reluctance. I tried to be understanding but thought this may be my only opportunity to get this fixed. He said no. I was polite and said, that’s fine and walked back to my car.
I went back to shoveling ice. The mechanic probably spent an hour fixing the car when I saw him packing up. I don’t remember if I made eye contact with him. He got into his truck and made a U-turn. Right after his U-turn, he parked right by my car. I stood there shocked.
After my experience, this is exactly how I viewed the tow truck driver and the tow truck. A Tow Truck from the Heavens!
I didn’t think he was going to come over but sure enough he did, he inflated the tire for free. I tried to pay him but he wouldn’t take any money. He said the tire would be fine but that I should get it checked out if the pressure gets low. I was so happy and grateful for him coming out of his way to assist me. It was humbling as I thought the mechanic did not care, but he did!
I remember looking at the sky and I thought of my friend. I saw the sun peering through the clouds and the sunlight just felt different. There was a sense of warmth despite it being so cold outside. I felt it. I also thanked my friend as I knew that he was there with the assistance. Although my spiritual awakening did not start for another couple of years, it was moment that I never forgot. I almost immediately attributed it to my friend being an angel despite being anti-religion.
I remember getting through that stormy period of my life. Eventually it stopped snowing, temperatures warmed up and the last mound of snow finally melted away in late April. That was memorable! My house finally sold and I was able to pay off a lot of my debt. Things got better and I started to settle into DC.
Now, as I embark on my spiritual journey, I reflect on this time. I think about how dark and cold it was. I realize it was temporary but it did provide me with a valuable lesson. Although times were rough, you must go through your rough patches in life because they shape you. You will always have your supporters with you. I had my supporter and he came through when I least expected it.
I now move forward in learning more about divine timing. I have to be patient and understand that sometimes, you’re just where you need to be in that moment.
(I started a draft of this blog in 2017, I’ve decided to publish some embarrassing moments and will add more in the future.)
Sometimes I’ll be deep in thought and an embarrassing moment will pop in my head. These are the type of embarrassing moments you would want to forget but somehow your brain has just decided to make millions of copies of such awkward moments so that you NEVER FORGET! I wish I could forget some and every time one of these memories pops into my head, I just want to disappear. It could have been a memory that happened 20 years ago, but it still makes me want to disappear. I guess I think that someone who may witnessed that moment may still remember it and the thought of that embarrasses me. Weird. Sometimes I forget that most people don’t have good memory, but still, that might be a moment that they have never forgotten.
This will be an ongoing blog as I’m sure I will have the guts to write out some of my most embarrassing moments in hopes that they will disappear from my memory banks once they are out. I’m guessing that’s something a therapist would say. lol. Glad I didn’t spend any money for that advice. I write, “My Forrest Gump Moments” because I call myself an idiot looking back at those moments as if I were Forrest Gump. Does that make any sense? Well let’s get to my highlights, shall we?
Turtle Hook Jr. High School – Soccer – Fall 1992
I was a defenseman on the Turtle Hook Jr. High School soccer team. We were a very good team that year. I think we went undefeated? I don’t remember. So we had a couple of preseason games and in one game, we were playing against a pretty good team and every time we scored a goal, the other team would score. It was a very close game and we ended up in overtime. After a 6-6 tie, we scored again. We were up by 1 goal with 2 minutes left in the game. The coach told everyone to do whatever you can do to stall the game. One of the older kids said, “Yeah if you can, kick the ball out of bounds! Hell, kick it into one of the backyards!!!” He kept yelling the same thing. “Kick it into a backyard!!!” I took that advice literally. I somehow ended up with the ball near our goal and turned to someone’s backyard and kicked the ball 50 yards into someone’s backyard. It was blatant and looking back, I felt like that’s not what that kid really meant. I took it literally and I remember after the kick everyone looking at me with shock, like they didn’t think I would actually do that. The opposing team’s coach was furious and the referee called the game. I guess he didn’t care to use a replacement ball since the clock was winding down. My team won and my team cheered. But then everyone kind of looked at me like, “Did you really just you do that?” I shrugged it off and scratched my head because I did exactly what my teammate was yelling about. Some of my team took it in stride and others were like, “He literally kicked the ball into someone’s yard on purpose!” It took some time to think about but I remember thinking, I should have just kicked the ball to the far end of the field. I mean, if I can kick a ball 50 yards, then it shouldn’t have been so blatant to kick the ball out of bounds when I’m standing near the out of bounds line. Oh well. This memory randomly popped into my head recently as I had really forgotten about it until my brain was like, “Look at what I found!!!”
Turtle Hook Jr. High School – Fall 1992
After soccer season ended, I was enjoying this new found freedom of junior high school. In elementary school, you are stuck in the same class, same teacher with the same group of kids all year round. In junior high, I now had new sets of classmates for every period. Granted there would be some kids you would have the same classes with but this was a whole new world for me. There were six elementary schools and two junior high schools in my district. So having kids from two other elementary schools, meant getting to know another part of my town that I hadn’t known about. I enjoyed making new friendships and possibly having my first girlfriend. (I smiled while writing that sentence because I seemed bent on accomplishing that goal.)
It didn’t take me long to develop a crush. I happened to notice a girl name M. She was very pretty with jet black curly hair. I remember looking to see if she had a boyfriend. She was a year older than me and I would scout her locker and sometimes would catch a glimpse of her going to class. I would follow her routine from a distance, just like a creeper, never giving myself away. One day, I remember leaving my last class at the bell and rushed to get on the bus. I guess I did it to be cool and slick. I left early to get out of the homework assignment. That day I noticed that M was one of the first students to leave school. I think it took a few weeks before I approached her but I always felt like this was the time to say something to her. What do I say? What do I do? How do I react to what she says? I had played this simulation in my head for weeks. Sometimes I was determined to say something and my nerves, my anxiety would shoot up. Sometimes she wasn’t there or I chickened out, only to beat myself later for not having the guts to say something. Then one winter afternoon, I decided to say something to her. I remember walking right behind her and I thought about backing out like I had done previous times but this time, I said this is it. My hands started shaking visibly and I remember being startled by that. I asked meekly, “Excuse me.” She didn’t hear me, then I said it again louder and she turned around. I froze and didn’t know what to do. I then said, “What’s your name?” She replied, “M”. I was so nervous that I remember saying, “Oh….ok.” and walked away to my bus. I felt so stupid and was like great, that’s how I’ll be remembered, “The guy who came up to me and asked for me name and walked away. lol”
A few weeks later, I told my friend Tonya about my crush to M. I was embarrassed in making that confession and I remember Tonya laughing at me. I remember feeling the pain of embarrassment again and just decided to forget about that situation. Spring would start and then I would go onto the start of running track and field. While changing for practice one day in the Spring, a kid named James announced in the locker room, “Hey Kerby, you have two girls looking for you in the hallway.” All the guys in the locker room cheered and jeered me. I thought it was a prank as I didn’t know any girl, let alone two girls looking for me. So I asked him if he was playing around. He said he wasn’t, so I got ready and went to the hallway. As soon as I got to the hallway, I saw my friend Tonya, and became annoyed. In that moment, I forgot about the second person. A little annoyed, I said, “What do you want?” until I saw M standing right behind her. Tonya had said that I had blushed. I remember smiling but looking down. I sometimes wonder if it’s the same look my son makes when he’s a little embarrassed. His checks get bright red. So I remember sheepishly saying, hi. She then said, I heard you like me. I said yeah. She said, you’re cute and I would like to go out with you but my parents won’t let me have a boyfriend right now. I remember smiling because it didn’t feel like an immediate rejection. It was a good rejection. I even asked her, “So if you’re parents would let you have a boyfriend, you would go out with me?” She was like, yeah. I felt good but sad at the same time. She would say hello to me from time to time and I always responded back. One day as I was rushing to Science class, a piece of paper kept falling out of my text book and I kept jamming it back. As I got to class, the paper fell out and landed right as I was taking a step and I fell on my ass. Everyone in the hallway started laughing. Getting up in embarrassment, I noticed M. She laughed at me but then winked as she went into class. After that year, her family moved away and I never saw her after that.
Turtle Hook Jr. High School – Soccer – Fall 1993
A year later, I was captain of the soccer team and some of my teammates did not like my style of play. I played hard even in practice but there was one time when I took it too far. Looking back, I should have never done this to my own teammate. The offense was running 2 vs. 1 drills against the defense. I knew what players to take it easy on and which players to play with a higher intensity. I was on defense for this drill and from a distance, I saw a girl I had a crush on. She was with her best friend, who’s younger brother was on the team. I felt the need to showcase my skills as a soccer player. So when the 2 on 1 drill started, I immediately took off and chased the player with the ball. The kid was a year younger and a hell of a lot shorter than me. I didn’t give that poor kid a chance to dribble with the ball 5 yards before I decided to barrel into him and pushing him into the ground. It wasn’t a football tackle but I laid into that kid so hard that he had grass and dirt all over him after he flew in the air and rolled on the ground a couple of times. The kids who didn’t like me immediately jumped up and down and were yelling at the coach to do something. They were all mad at me and was like, “This is fucking practice!!! What the fuck are you doing?!?!?”
They were right. I had no reason to put that kid down like that. It was stupid and for what to impress some girl? When I looked at the sideline, I could see she felt bad for the kid and I tried to shrug it off like it was practice. The coach sided with me but I think that’s because I was one of his favorite players but there was no way I should have knocked that kid down like that. The size advantage alone should have stopped me from doing it but unfortunately, that girl came by and well…it was stupid. Not like Rudy playing his heart out like in the movie Rudy but some idiot like Forrest Gump. FORREST WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? I have always looked back at that memory and it still makes me feel bad. Even after all these years, I regret that and I hope I can make that apology to him. I may get, “Man, that’s no big deal, I forgot about it.” I truly wonder if that’s the case because I still think about that till this day. I hope to make amends one day and when I do, I’ll write and update the blog.
Washington D.C. – April 11, 2013
I decided to skip ahead and give an honorable mention a moment from adult life. I was getting my first paid comedic gig on this date. I was heading to Bethesda, MD to perform at a show at an Irish bar called the Harp and the Fiddle. I was nervous because my name was on the flyer and had no idea what to expect at the show. I started to get my bearings in the comedy world at this time. I got off of work, got dressed, and drove to Union Station. I took the Red Line up to Bethesda. I remember feeling cool and calm heading to the train station. It was a warm day but it wasn’t hot. Once I got on the train, I remember starting to get nervous. I was feeling very tense and was thinking about my routine. I don’t remember if the lady directly across from me got on at a stop after Union Station but she noticed me at some point in the trip. She was an older white lady, who looked like she hit the gym after work and was finally going home.
She asked me if I was okay. I said I was alright and tried to play it cool even though I was sweating profusely. I decided to tell her after a few seconds of silence. I told her that I was going to perform at my first paid comedic gig. She was excited and was like, “Wow you’re a comedian? That’s great! Oh you’ll do fine. You have nothing to be nervous about.” I felt comforted by those words and was expecting her to ask me a question about how I got into it or who I identified with in the comedy world. Instead she didn’t say anything after that. If I had headphones, I would have put it on to focus but I didn’t bring them with me. After another stop, she asked me another question. With a sly smile, she ask, “Well, aren’t you going to tell me a joke?”. I was caught off guard and wasn’t sure what to say. I was caught up in repeating my routine that I didn’t even know if I should try my routine with her or give her one joke. After thinking about it, I was like, okay fine. I started to tell her about my brother’s Facebook post about his cancer. I then dropped the punchline of my joke. It was the one joke that no matter where I said it in the routine, it had gotten laughs 99 percent of the time. The one time it didn’t was in the room I hated the most on U Street. Luckily, a comedian bursted out laughing in the silence of a packed house and took it as a win that night. I guess I was feeling like I was going to get, “Oh that’s funny or that’s good.” Even a flat, “That’s good.” would have been fine. Instead, she got very upset. Her smile disappeared and she looked at me with disdain. She was like, “You shouldn’t joke about cancer! I hope you stop telling that joke. I survived cancer myself and if you keep telling this joke after today, I hope you get hit by a car.” The silence was deafening at that point. I should have walked away but I didn’t. Now I really felt nervous about the show. We sat across from each other in complete silence for a long ride to the next stop. She got off at the next stop and I felt relief for a brief period. I smiled at the fact that I had not expected that reaction but when you’re in comedy, you need to prepare for all types of reactions. At first, I felt like I should have had a quick comeback but then I realized, this was not the place to do such, had it been a show, I would have had to say something back. I went on to perform at the bar show that night. There was a large crowd of people at the bar but one the show started, it dwindled down to a small group. It’s the way of life for a comedian. Get hyped for a big crowd only for it to dwindle to a handful. I performed and it wasn’t great but it wasn’t a bomb either. I got my first $20 for a comedy gig and didn’t feel like it was deserved. I did feel it was deserved for the train ride. lol It was a $20 I always kept in a drawer until one day Jennifer spent it without realizing its significance. If I ever hit the stage again and somehow get paid, I’ll make sure to frame that fucker.
Seeking Balance While Laughing Out Loud 