I bought a cello in 2007 and have probably played it twice. At home, in my closet, collecting dust. I’m not a complete novice to the cello, I played the cello for 6 years growing up. I guess the cello at home is just a reminder of when I did play the cello. It probably would be better used as a big ass paperweight at this point. Now that I think about it, it’s more of a reminder of why I stopped playing the cello.
I played the cello from 2nd grade up until 8th grade. I stopped playing the cello in 9th grade for a couple of reasons. I was never fully vested in the cello so that was reason #1, the Addams Family Values movie, reason #2, and the summer of 1994 broke the camel’s back. No more cello!
Elementary School
My older sister and brother played an instrument from elementary school through high school. My older brother played the cello in elementary school and eventually switched over to the trumpet. My sister played the violin and the flute. My mom wanted me to play the cello just like my older brother. I thought it would be cool to play an instrument so why not follow big brother. I’ll never forget the day I brought my cello home, my mom was so proud. I remember her crying and dragging my little brother to the side door of the house, and saying how I reminded her of Freddy. In elementary school, I had to bring in the cello once a week and it was annoying to bring on the school bus.
I picked it up really quick. I remember my music teacher giving me homework and I hardly practiced at home. I would practice when my mom would be like, “Why is that cello in the closet! Get it out and practice!” Reluctantly, I would practice. Sometimes in front of my parents, siblings, or some friends of the family whenever my mom would want to showoff.
I remember enjoying the cello in elementary school because it got me out of my class once a week for an hour and I remember my teacher being impressed with how well I played even though I hardly practiced at home. I liked the comradery with the band and chorus kids. One of my fondest memories was during a practice for a winter concert, during a repetitive piece, I would play a different part of music on the sheet, only to get back in-sync with the orchestra just because the repetitions were boring me. I did it for the challenge and to make it interesting. My partner would notice it and sometimes the music teacher would notice it but when it came down to the concert, I made sure not to deviate from the music sheet.
Jr. High School
Orchestra became one of my main classes in junior high school. Unlike elementary school, where it was more of a one on one lesson, this was a group playing every single day. The seventh graders practiced together, the 8th graders practiced together, and the 9th graders practiced together. Once it was time for a concert, we all joined forces to destroy the universe. Just want to check if your still reading.
Anyways, we practiced every day, I had one cello for school and one for home. So I no longer had to carry around my cello to and from school. Since we played every day in school, I no longer practiced at home. I played my cello and eventually became cello #1, the coveted leader spot. My teacher was impressed how quickly I rose to that spot without private lessons. All of that would change in the Spring of 1994. In preparing for the spring concert, all the students had to bring in their home instruments to the concert. I didn’t think anything of it until the first day of practice.
I unzip the case and see a massive hole in the cello. There were pieces of the cello inside the hole! I was like, WTF!!! I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I never use this instrument so how did it break??? I couldn’t believe it and was scared to tell my mom. I had no choice but to tell her since she was driving me up to practice. I got yelled at, of course. I would too if Nik did the same thing. What made my mom even more upset is that I kept telling her that I don’t know how it broke. She was like, “What do you mean, you don’t know how you broke it!” I was like, “I didn’t break it, that’s the point!”
Either way, I was responsible for the instrument and had to come up with an excuse. My younger brother, Kenny, came up with a nifty excuse. He said, “Why don’t you tell the music teacher, you were walking up the steps with the instrument and you tripped and fell on top of it.” I was like, that’s fucking good! I was a little surprised to see him having sympathy for me rather than tease me for my misfortune. I told that excuse to my music teacher who wasn’t buying it. He told me that I would probably have to pay for a replacement cello. He lectured me on how instruments are not cheap and that this was going to cost me a lot of money.
Summer of 1994
My parents got a bill of $600 for the cello. My mom was like, now you’re going to have to get a job to pay for it. Your fault, your responsibility, now you go to work. My father got me a job at a local deli. I worked the weekends all summer. I stocked all of their fridges with sodas, juices, and 40’s. 40’s were kind of a big deal back then. I learned a lot with that job. I learned that you can’t spill grease on your clothes because it will never go away. Carrying grease buckets took a lot of skill! Even spilling grease on a sidewalk would permanently stain it. I learned that mopping floors before closing would annoy customers, so I did it anyway. lol I always kept the basement clean even though my co-worker would get it all messy just so I could clean it up. My first lesson on having co-workers that don’t always pull their weight. lol I saw co-workers brawl inside of the walk-in fridge only to be cool the next day. Every paycheck went straight to my mom.
By the time school rolled around, I had finished paying off my debt. I decided it was time to quit the cello.
Before I get to that part, let’s go back to the Adams Family Values movie.
Adams Family Values
Towards the end of the school year, there were no more concerts to practice for. The band and chorus teachers would let their students hang out during the period and would sometimes put a movie on. These were the VHS days! Watching a movie in school was a big deal! Even if it was a movie you had seen before.
My orchestra teacher didn’t care. The band and chorus kids would be laughing, eating, and doing homework during the movie, while we continue to play our instruments. My classmates banded together against the orchestra teacher and asked why weren’t we getting free time. His response, “We keep playing.” Who was this Bill Belechick??? What the hell man! Then one day, the band and chorus were watching Adams Family Values, which had just come out on VHS. We were so bummed and I was upset because I really wanted to see that movie. We were playing music just for hell of it. So naturally, I kept this in mind when it was time to quit the cello.
Sidenote: The last week of school, the music teacher did give us a break and my first inkling of comedy came out. “Yo Momma Jokes” were in at that time and I remember I was annoyed at the music teacher that I told my friends a joke. I said, Mr. Insert Name is so fat, that when he drives his van, he can only make left turns. lol I got some chuckles and even one kid thought about it and started laughing while repeating the joke.
In Memoriam
I quit the orchestra and the cello in 9th grade. Carrying grease buckets, dealing with ladies from salon who were upset with me for not putting the cold drinks at the front of the fridge, and mopping floors for small paychecks were fresh on my mind. Not watching The Addams Family Values movie, right behind it. My teacher tried his best to convince me to play again and I just kept saying no.
Instead of orchestra, I took an art class and found it to be much more relaxing than orchestra. I loved watercolors and drying my artwork on the rack. It was cool and different. Plus I now got to hang out with kids who were not part of the band, orchestra, and chorus clique. I saw a whole new world!
I can’t say that I missed playing the cello. Sometimes I would rib the kid who took my spot and tell him that if I came back, I would still be #1, kind of like when Michael Jordan came back. He would laugh but I knew it wouldn’t be long before he caught up to my cello skills. I never looked back at it and was glad I didn’t have to drag my parents to another boring winter concert. How many times do you want to hear Jingle Bells or some other holiday song?
WAIT SO HOW DID THE CELLO BREAK???
Oh so in 2003, I came home from college and saw my brothers laughing hysterically. I was like, what is so funny? Kenny, my younger brother, says, YOU! I was like, “Hahaha. No what’s so funny?”
Kenny: Remember when that cello broke? Well, Freddy and I were wrestling and he body slammed me into your cello. The cello broke and we didn’t know what to do, so we put in the smashed pieces in the hole and let it sit. You didn’t notice it for weeks until the concert. So now you know how it broke!
Me: You guys owe me $600 plus interest. Not funny. No wonder you came up with that excuse! No wonder you were all sympathetic! You two are fucking idiots!!! I gave up playing because of that broken cello.
They just laughed. That’s family.
So why did I buy a cello after all these years? I was browsing on Craigslist and saw a brand new cello for $250. Do you know how cheap that is??? I actually thought about flipping it for more money but I kind of like it as a memory piece, that is currently at home, in my closet, collecting dust.
Seeking Balance While Laughing Out Loud 