Six years ago, I found the courage to go up on stage, tell jokes, and have no one laugh.  Well to be honest, I did get one laugh, when I tapped the microphone and asked if it was on.  It was a hacky thing to do but in the midst of a horrible set I had to say it.  I was drawing empty stares instead of laughs.  I didn’t invite any friends to watch me that night and I was glad I didn’t.  After the show was over, I wanted to find someone who could offer me some sort of hope that it wasn’t all that bad.  I asked the host and some other comics what they thought of my set. LOL!  Rookie mistake.  They didn’t say anything harsh but their body language and hesitation to find something nice to say was putting salt on a wound.  I had wished I hadn’t approached anyone and left it alone but I needed something or a reason to think it wasn’t a mistake trying to get up on stage.

I left to my depressing apartment in despair, comforted by my two cats and was like, Well, at least I can say that I tried stand-up and that’s all that really mattered. Right?  At least, that’s what I told myself for the next two days.  I wanted to do better.  I wanted to get up on stage again.  I wanted to get up there and “Wow” the audience.  I felt inside that I could do that. When I started to feel confident, my doubts would come back because I can’t shake the nerves. I get very nervous when speaking to an audience like most people, I stumble on my words, visibly shake, so how am I supposed to tell a good joke or a set of jokes for 5 minutes???

I thought about it a lot and decided to give it one more try with the help of my best friend Darryl.  I wrote out my routine and he helped me find some punchlines.  I invited a couple of friends to watch me and once I did that, the pressure really took hold of me.  For days, I was shaking, nervous, anxious, ready to cancel and walk away but I pushed through.  I made it to the venue, RFD’s Awesome Thursday in Washington DC and signed up.  The host, Ralph Cooper, put me up, I did my set, I got comfortable when I heard the laughs, continued my routine, and got off stage like I was the next up and coming comedian.  It was a high that I wanted to share with everyone.  It was a release that felt so good even after all the tension from the days prior to the show.  After coming down from that high, I wanted to write and do another routine.  I gave myself a couple of weeks but I was ready to get back on stage.  It was quite different from my very first time up on stage but I learned later that with the support of friends and family, it could jump start your way into comedy.

My first year was up and down.  I went about once a month to perform and watched a lot of shows at RFD.  Some of my performances I felt good about and some of the others not so much but the energy was there.  I felt the creativity and was supportive of everyone who would go up on stage.  All the comics were very supportive and I expected to meet a mean comic but that has never really happened.  The hosts of the Awesome Thursday show were very supportive and cut out the bs.  You knew where you stood and when you leveled up, you knew you were on your way.  I credit a lot to Mr. Cooper for being approachable, recognizing the amount of work you put in, and making Awesome Thursdays a great show.  At that time, I loved recording my sets and sharing them online.  My friend, Darryl, got up on stage too and was amazing to watch.  He had fun with it and it was great when we both performed on the same night.  I made a lot of new friends and was excited to tell people that I do comedy.  I liked saying I was a comedian at that time and it was a badge of honor I liked to share with anyone who might have cared.  I felt a close connection to all the comics and wanted to learn from them. I liked seeing them perform and when they killed it, it was great to say, “Nice set!”  You could see the expression on their faces that they did the right thing to do comedy.

I never found consistency on my first year because I was stubborn and afraid.  I was stubborn because I didn’t want to repeat a routine and never learned to work on a joke or a routine until Year 2 or 3.  I was afraid of going to other rooms outside of RFD.  I stuck with what I was comfortable with for that entire first year.  When the anniversary came of my first time going up on stage, I was surprised that I was still doing it.

Year 3 was the year everything started to change.  I started to look at other rooms outside of DC, outside of Chinatown.  I finally set my mind to going to other rooms and checking out other comics.  RFD’s Awesome Thursdays had become a much harder place to get a spot.  I found myself wanting more stage time and I didn’t want to wait a few weeks.  I started going to The Comedy Spot in Ballston and checking out rooms in the U Street corridor.  I started to go to more open mics but I didn’t feel like I was making more progress.  It was until the start of 2012, that I had made the determination to make myself a better comic and to learn as much as I can.  I started going almost daily to open mics.  Even though my work schedule was hectic, I still managed to get out there and perform.  I was finally building a routine and saw the difference in how I was performing.  My confidence started to shoot up and I started to get more respect from the working comics.  I was putting in the work and realized that I could do better.

There were some highs and lows in Years 3, 4, and 5.  I’ll just go ahead and lump them together.  I knew most of the local comics and was well-versed in the open mics in the area.  My routines were good but not solid.  I did kill at one showcase but I never got booked for more shows.  I didn’t like the idea that I had to buddy up or beg to get on a show.  I just figured talent alone should do that.  That was another stubborn thing but you do have to put yourself out there for people to notice you and I didn’t really bother putting in an effort.  I met Jennifer doing comedy and asking to get on her show when she put out an open call.  We wouldn’t be together had she not put me on her show.  I bombed on that show, BTW.  Overall, I became friends with some comics and lost some of those friendships as well.  It was weird and I wasn’t sure if it was because Jennifer was posting pictures of our dates, week to week. I had heard that some comics couldn’t believe we were dating.

I started my own comedy class through my job, the library, and it was overwhelming at first.  I had a lot of help from everyone I reached out to.  I still continue to run the class today.  It is fun when I have a student really go forward with comedy but I’ve been frustrated by the lack of interest of others.  If only I could get people who pay hundreds of dollars to go to the Improv for a comedy class to come to mine for free.  I’ve met some who want to get up on stage once they learn the secrets to stand-up. I don’t believe in shortcuts.  You just have to go up on stage to begin your journey.

Today, I find myself at a crossroad with comedy.  I want to leave it alone and walk away.  A part of me just wants it to be a chapter of my life that I can look back on but a part of me thinks I should continue with the path.  Sometimes I feel something telling me not to walk away from it.  I stopped recording my sets and pretty much have ceased to tell anyone about my shows or any upcoming shows.  I don’t perform as much, it’s been stalled for the moment. I still teach my comedy class through the library and I eventually post on Facebook the comedy showcase but I’m not expecting people to show up.  That’s the only time I really perform now, is at the library comedy showcase.   I’ve stopped trying to build myself up.  I guess for me it’s frustrating when you put a lot of work into something and you have to put things on hold for the moment.  I would like to get some consistency in the future and maybe get the opportunity to perform at the Improv.  I think that would be the end game for me.

The positive now is that I don’t get as nervous as I used to, I’ll get nervous right as I’m about to go up on stage.  I don’t lose sleep thinking about my routine anymore.  I like that I don’t feel too much pressure and that’s the major plus side of comedy now versus six years ago.  I actually enjoy performing now because my time is limited.  I do my best to have fun with it because I know it may be some time before I go back up on stage.  Unlike six years ago, I had the freedom to go to mics every night of the week if I wanted to.  Now that I have my family, it’s when I have free time to go and that window is very very small!  I wish I would have more time to practice my routine as it would help me have confidence to get on a booked show or if I’m invited to do a show, I know I’ll be ready.  I sometimes miss being around the comics to feel like I’m part of the community, lately I’ve been feeling like an outsider based on the fact that I’m not out there anymore.  I like seeing when comics post about their successes or even failures.  I don’t want them to fail but I like it when the comedy community rallies behind them to keep going.  I sometimes get new friend requests of new comics and sometimes see that some who started around the same time I did, no longer do comedy.  When I do perform, I do see some glimmer of hope when I get a laugh or if my routine goes well but then it goes dark when I realize it may be some time before I perform again.  I do enjoy teaching the class as it gets me excited to see them go and try comedy.  It’s nice to see people light up about their performances in class and seeing their progress online.

I’m much more grounded now and I realize that some of the jokes I made six years ago are jokes I would probably never utter again.  I think a lot had to do with my mindset then and what I thought comedy was as a rookie.  I’ve learned that the art, the craft of comedy takes a lot of skill.  It’s not something that will be developed right away but it’s something that will stay with you forever if you’ve kept at it for a period of time.  I’ve felt the highs and felt the lows.  The funny thing is, everything in the middle of the highs and lows don’t matter.  I believe this is the one universal truth that all comics can agree to.

If this is the year I stop performing, it’s still nice to see some of the comics I’ve shared the stage with go on to do bigger and better things.  Who knows maybe one day when Nik gets older, I could tell him that I personally know the headliner comic he’s a fan of.  I do expect that to be a reality one day because I have nothing but respect and love for people who go full steam ahead with stand-up comedy.